Chez Andre’s Yangzhou yammerings, doleful dishes 扬州炒饭有感

Everyone’s favorite local dish in China is Yangzhou chaofan – which is the best type of fried rice, even tastier than semi-frozen Reese’s peanut butter cups to scoop clean buckets of Breyers butterscotch ice cream. “扬州炒饭”恐怕是炒饭里最好吃的一款，也是许多人最钟爱的中国菜。甚至要比刚从冰箱里拿出来的“锐滋花生酱巧克力杯”还要好吃，哪怕是拿勺子挖空布鲁尔斯(Breyers)奶油冰淇淋的滋味，两者的口味融合在一起也比不过“扬州炒饭”。 Just trust me, I’ve done the research, asking several people in my chatgroup. All agreed the fried rice varietal was their hands-down death-row last-meal option, and half added they wouldn’t even mind if the governor didn’t interrupt their final repast with a pardon-me/pardon-you text message. 请相信我，我已经做过调查，问了聊天群的几个人，他们都一致选择将“扬州炒饭”作为在世前的最后一餐。其中还有半数人补充道，只要让他们在人生的最后关头吃一盘“扬州炒饭”，就算典狱长在这紧要关头递上来一纸“免死金牌”，他们都不在乎。 Also, to hyperbolize for the purposes of humor, I quite honorably interpreted non-responses to the scientific survey as “pros”, or “yeses”, reasonably assuming that a “no-reply” was codeword for “no duh…”, and of course bears are Catholic, Sherlock. 此外，为了幽默，我将大家对这份科学调查的沉默理解为“赞成”，也可以进行合理地假设，他们的"不予回应”不是在表达“不”的意思。以上都是一些个人拙见，不用见怪。 Back to the boiling pan… if you are flush with mineral water, fill it halfway high, bone up the butane and then replace the glass pot cover. It must be mineral water and glass because: a) rice is a thirsty grain, and what it drinks, you drink, and b) to monitor viscosity and hydration levels, transparent covers are in order for on-the-fly fixes. 回到正题。首先用矿泉水洗米，然后把米倒进锅里，到锅的一半高度就可以了，然后用玻璃锅盖盖上锅。解释一下用矿泉水和玻璃锅盖的原理：首先，用矿泉水是因为大米容易吸水，好水才能蒸出好米；其次，在煮饭过程中，选择用玻璃锅盖，是因为玻璃是透明的，可以帮助我们更好的观察大米的黏合程度以及吸收水分的情况，这样如果情况不妙可以立即采取措施。 While the Nongfu minerals boil, here’s something to hold us over: 在等待饭煮熟的过程中，我想到了两句诗。 There will be more understandings shining in the night sky; The movement composed with sweats rippled along the rice ear waves. 锄禾日当午，粒粒皆辛苦。 (Tang Dynasty poet Li Shen). （该诗的灵感来源于引用了中国唐代诗人李绅的《悯农》） While you epicurean enthusiasts were enjoying that poem, I used the 12 seconds to finely mince fresh garlic -- the stale bulbs have all been exported to Transylvania for defensive weaponry -- crack a chicken egg into a rice bowl -- no other animals please, mule and porbeagle eggs have thick shells which don’t mix well with fried rice -- and prep a plate of quartered cherry tomatoes. 当你们这些美食家们还在回味这首诗的时候，我用12秒的时间把新鲜的大蒜切碎——对，就是罗马尼亚的特兰西瓦尼亚用之当武器的大蒜。然后，打一个鸡蛋放在碗里备着，千万不要用其他动物的蛋哦，它们的外壳都很硬，不适合炒饭。最后准备一些小西红柿，分量占盘子的四分之一就可以。 When the rice is ready, switch to a pre-heated silicone stick-proof skillet battered with unsalted butter, singe the bulbs and egg in that order, then add the rice with two tablespoons of EV olive oil. 当米饭煮熟后，倒进预热过的平底锅前，先在锅里放入无盐黄油，再把切好的大蒜和鸡蛋倒入锅内翻炒，然后加入两大勺熟米饭，倒入几滴橄榄油，和着大蒜和鸡蛋一起炒。 Cubed cooked ham can be added now for ravenous meat-eaters among you. 另外，为了照顾胃口好的肉食爱好者们，现在可以把熟制火腿加进去。 This is no time to leave the room, and non-stop vigilance and spatula scrapings are crucial to maintaining consistency and avoiding an unwanted rice pancake. 但是到目前为止，并不意味着炒饭可以出锅。你还需要保持警惕，持续地翻炒，防止锅底的那部分食物糊掉，变成锅巴。 Tomatoes are tossed in during the final minute of frying to prevent sogginess. 在炒饭出锅前，把之前准备好的小西红柿放进饭里一起炒，因为西红柿在这个时间段内放进去才不会太熟。 Finally, if you are cooking for one, all these steps are unnecessary and a trip to a local restaurant is your best option -- they actually do the dishes here for you at these places when you are done dining! 最后，如果你只是做一份炒饭，以上的所有步骤都可以省略。去当地的餐馆就餐是你最好的选择，因为吃完饭你还不用洗碗。 But if important visitor(s) are hearth-hovering, mastering China’s most delicious victual is vital to leaving their gustatory agog, and they may not even take note of your substandard social skills or inattention to other boring details like socks drying over unused burners and a large, metallic “big soak” underway in the sink. 不过如果你要招待重要朋友，他们还特别注饮食健康，那么打开他们的味觉，让他们兴奋起来的关键就是，给他们做一道最美味的中国食物。这样一来，他们的注意力就会分散，不会注意到你一些不合适的社交行为或者是一些生活细节，比如把袜子放在还未使用的炉子上烘干，或者是水槽里还屯着待清洗“大金属块”。 Actually, it’s probably easier to just eat out. 总而言之，还是外出就餐更方便。 I glazed the gumbo to gelatinous glee, kneaded into noodles for NO ONE to see! 就像我在揉面的时候，把秋葵的粘液揉进面团，但是我所做的一切都没人看！ And as I realized I needn’t dine alone, I sent the photos worldwide from my phone. 不过，我把这些有趣的照片发到网络上，和全世界分享快乐，我就不再是一个孤独的美食家了。